Alright, so my ass is getting so big that the state's considering offering it its own zipcode, I'm hairier than Robin Williams after a Rogaine bath, and I haven't really been able to thoroughly brush my back teeth since the first trimester (major vomitage)... but have I really lost ALL of my sex appeal?
Apparently, I have. Despite my very best efforts at looking appealing-- for god's sake, I shaved my legs today!-- this evening, I was brutally alerted to just how unsexy I've become. Tonight, my dear babydaddyfiance (heretofore referred to as "dear husband", as it's a lot fewer letters), fell asleep on me. Well, technically he fell asleep under me, but you get the point. There I was straddling him with all the grace I could muster while trying to simultaneously keep my protruding roundness from getting mashed between us and keep from squishing his delicate bits with my ample arse, having a bit of a playful romp. A little ear nibbling, a little kiss kiss, a little... Hello? Are you with me? And friends, he was not. In his defense, he snapped awake and insisted that he was "good to go". But when said reassurance is slurred... well it isn't tremendously reassuring at all. Long story short, I finally convinced him to give up the charade and just go to sleep. In my second trimester, it seems like I'm always up for a roll in the hay, but it really loses its appeal when it's more like dragging a corpse through the hay to have your way with it.
Which leads me to wonder... Have I really lost the sexy? Already?! I mean, I sort of assumed that the sexy would be one of the first things to go after dear husband witnessed birth up close and personal. You know, after the magical freak show that is crowning. After the "bloody show" and placental delivery. But no... It looks like the sexy has left the building. Right along with my love of Taco Bell and my ability to breathe through both nostrils at once. I mean, how else can you explain how a perfectly healthy and fully functioning 22 year old would fall asleep mid-makeout, with a pair of newly enormous boobs swinging not five inches from his face? I mean, not to toot my own horn(s), but right now my rack is kind of spectacular. Man. Either I'm sleeping next to the missing cast member from the Golden Girls, or I've got to start tweezing my eyebrows again.
With love and celibacy,