Stories from the front lines of an unplanned pregnancy.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Moo with me...

Breastfeeding, A Haiku.

Baby is screaming
Tits start leaking everywhere
Just call me Daisy

Oh, the magical bonding experience of having a squirmy, ten pound leech sucking the life out of you through your surprisingly stretchy nipples. Riiiiiight. Now don't go telling those La Leche League Nazis, but sometimes... breastfeeding kinda sucks.

Like when after the little man finally falls asleep after a 45 minute suck-a-thon and you finally get the chance to pee, throw his daily collection of spitup encrusted onesies into the washing machine, pull out a box of Stouffer's lasagna from the freezer-- aaaaaand he's crying again. What the hell?! Where two boobs-ful of milk can go in the hour and fifteen minutes since he last ate is one of the great mysteries of infancy. Either way, he's screaming like he hasn't eaten in a week and the two rapidly spreading wet spots on my t-shirt are telling me it's feeding time at the Anglim Zoo. Fabulous! Seriously, I don't even know why I bother with a shirt half the time. You know? I should just wander around topless, bambino swinging from one boob... very National Geographic.

Don't get me wrong, most of the time the whole experience is pretty sweet. He's awfully cuddly and I've been lucky enough to be spared some of the brutal horrors I've heard about from other new mamas. Cracked, bleeding nipples? Tiny gnawing gums? Yeesh. And on the bright side, I've gotten pretty damn good at one handed, well, everything. And by the time Ian's finally on solid foods and sippy cups I'm gonna be rocking Madonna guns! Sweet!

Just for once I'd like to feel more like a mommy and less like a freaking dairy cow. Ah, a heifer can dream...

With love and lactation,
a.

4 comments:

mercurial scribe said...

Been there, so very much been there. Except I just had to give up breastfeeding because we need to increase my medications and they will contaminate the milk. At least I gave her two whole months.

Carmina said...

You are slacking. I want an update!

Muchalina said...

Gurl,
You are too many things! I thought the breastfeeding haiku was HILARIOUS! I shamedly admit to being able to identify with your TV-watching jags while you were still preggers! I hear ya, gurl! I mean, what else is a 46-year-old, menopausal, unemployed woman supposed to do to pass the time except watch "The Hills" and "America's Next Top Model" ad nauseum? I'd sneer at the young,rich, beautiful, yet oh-so-intellectually challenged folk on "The Hills" (and "Laguna Beach" and "The Real World", etc.) who couldn't even, like, finish, like, a complete thought. And I sucked my teeth at Tyra who very seriously and pointedly advised the young model wannabees to "smile with their eyes". What the hell did she think she was doing - dropping the cure to cancer or something?! Anyway, ragging on the above persons ALWAYS made me feel better about myself, so what the heck!

Keep writing, gurl! There is a book simmering inside that brilliant brain of yours....
Love and stuff,
Titi Chrys

Kori said...

I have to agree with the comments about turning this blog into a book. Coming from a 26 year old wanna-be mommy, I enjoy reading your descript language and bold antics. You have a strong writing career in the workings. I can't wait to see this published and out on the shelves of my favorite book store...or at least being able to pick your head about what you think about motherhood. Being a mother is something that has been on my mind for the past few years now and it is beneficial to be able to get a little inside perspective so that I can think about what kind of mom I would like to be for my child. Keep writing!!! You are an inspiration and a wonderful mommy. Best of luck. I hope to hear more.

Patiently waiting,

Courtney-Ke (Kori)